#feels so weird to be done with this chapter in my life idk but im also so happy to finally WRITE

[bvidzsoo]

I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH UNIVERSITY AND I AM WRITING THAT SAN GREEK GOD AU (and I have another surprise coming for ya that I might be posting later today and if not, then tomorrow)

[darealsaltysam]

I JUST GOT BACK FROM SEEING DUNE PART 2 AND HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT HOLY FUUUUCK I NEED TO. I NEED TO. I NEED TO TALK SO BAD HOLY SHIT

below the cut because oh boy do i have a lot to say and i dont want my poor followers to suffer when i post this

oh my god okay okay where do i even start

opening with irulan's narration to mirror her notes in the openings of the chapters of the book. oh yeah baby. i ate that right up

watching paul get close with the fremen,,,,, fucking hell that hurts. dune really is a tragedy at the end of the day huh. they go from reluctant allies to friends but the whole time you know the switch will happen any moment now and they will be devotees and he will be messiah and that gap between them will never be as small as it is out in the sand. huddled in those tents. sharing drinks and laughs. im not doing ok

this especially hurts with chani. their love is so genuine and pure and she wears blue for him (which by the way sticks out so much more with how muted the colors of the rest of the movie are... i could talk about this all day) but she can see what he is becoming and he's trying to avoid it for her so hard but there's no avoiding fate. LORD ABOVE!!!!

i loveeee jessica being the manipulator thats pulling all the strings, urging paul towards becoming messiah. rebecca ferguson is such a talented actress she really understands the character so well. also as a hashtag certified alia atreides enjoyer her scheming with her unborn fetus might be the most unhinged thing ever but thats also so fucking funny aka its as dune as it gets. dune is WEIRD and im glad theyre not shying away from that. thank u denis

arrakis looks so much more beautiful in this movie like theres defo been some changes with how its framed and presented it feels so much grander and idk just ??? what it makes me think is that we're not seeing arrakis, we're finally seeing dune. we're seeing the land as the fremen see it as paul becomes one of them. i might be looking too much into it but who cares. god i love this movie

but yes more on the fremen in the first section of the movie. i like how there's this cluster of non-believers almost?? its a nice breath of fresh air. its hard to believe every single person would be just devoted to the prophecy and it adds some depth.

i will say the one thing i didnt like is the way stilgar is characterized?? i dont think he was so blindly devoted to paul in the books, and definitely not alia and leto ii after him as the atreides line went on. he's always been a source of small doubt towards paul but i think they're moving that element of him onto chani, so i think i can let it slide. i'd like to see him question alia more in the future though.

the scene where paul was named muad'dib and usul??? god it was so cute which made it so heart wrenching. all the fremen coming together and welcoming him into their lives. as a brother. as a friend. only for him to turn around and make them all bow before him. ohhhhh i cant do this

OH BOY THE WORMS THE WORMS AND THE WORM RIDING AND THE AHHHHHHHHH OH LORD

jesus christ. what the fuck. how is this allowed on cinema screens how is something so amazing allowed

the tension. the effects. the sound design. the sand rushing past the wind the worm moving forward paul struggling to hold on the fremen all watching and then cheering him on HOLY FUCKKKK HOLY FUCK I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH

all the worm riding scenes were so intense and so well done like. when i first read that stuff in the books i didnt think anything could ever capture how i imagined it exactly and yet. AND YET. DENIS!!!!!!!!

once more dune hits the idea of scale SO well everything is HUGE and they MAKE YOU FEEL IT. that shows especially with geidi prime but ill talk about that in a bit. but yes this applies to the worms too lord above them WORMSSSS ARE HUGEEEE AND I LOVE THEMMMM

rebecca ferguson put her heart and soul into that water of life scene and we all need to thank her for it

the way jessica is so quick to switch up and go all in on the prophecy. it makes me think of leto's "im not asking his mother, im asking the bene gesserit" like. the bene gesserit really come first for jessica and she takes her opportunity to fulfill her duties. to be the reverend mother. to rub it all in the faces of the other bene gesserit. she is the mother of the messiah and by god will she make everyone well aware of that

okay. okay okay. i think i said my peace on the early fremen stuff. i think. okay fuck okay SHIT fuck SHIT

FEYD FUCKING RAUTHA LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

oh my god okay. okay ill admit it. i doubted austin butler. i saw the cast list and i was unsure(tm). i saw him in the trailers and my faith was restored. and holy fucking shit did he DELIVER

stellan skarsgård's baron harkonnen is already such a threatening figure it feels like it would be impossible to make someone even more terrifying and yet. AND YET

just the way he's introduced. killing servants with zero remorse. LICKING THAT KNIFE THE WAY HE DID??? OKAY WHORE. I SEE YOU. GO RIGHT AHEAD. MAKE IT SLUTTY IN HOUSE HARKONNEN. I RESPECT IT

when the arena doors open and that loud ass fucking music BOOMS. makes the room fucking SHAKE. thats a PRESENCE right there. THATS how you introduce your antagonist.

the music playing as he fights being as fucking deranged as he is. chaotic and weird and unsettling. just. oh my god feyd had such a presence from the moment he showed up and he did not lose it for a single second. you could feel him LOOMING over the movie the whole time just as he looms over the whole book from his very first scene. oh my goddddd oh my godd

GEIDI PRIME. THE ARENA. THAT MASSIVE HARKONNEN PALACE. oh my god. once more. that sense of scale. the harkonnens love to flaunt their wealth so ofc they have huge fuck off arenas and castles where everything and everyone feels so SMALL in comparison.

dont even get me started on the black and white. the way it accents those coal black teeth and mouths. the way it makes everything look so much more inhuman and clinical and PERFECT because harkonnen power is so absolute and ruthless.

and the way the baron sits so so high above watching the fighting. literally impossible to picture his elevation above his people above the rest of the universe. the way feyd looks to him for approval after every movement. even as his uncle is trying to kill him they exchange those little looks and feyd knows hes getting his chance to show off while the baron gives him his "gift" what a fucked up family what the hell

speaking of fucked up family! wow! they are SO fucked up! there is something seriously strange being hinted at with feyd and the baron! feyd making his own brother bow and kiss his boot! those constant threats of death against rabban as if theyre nothing! this family is capital f FUCKED up. they hurt each other as much as they hurt everyone around them. theyre made of violence and blood and they could never show each other kindness because they dont know such a thing

what can i say about the feyd/margot scenes that hasnt been said already. like wow just unpack the boy's trauma like that. use him and then throw him to the wolves. once again the bene gesserit make it so clear this is THEIR empire and THEIR bloodlines and THEIR messiah. too bad jessica doesnt see that collective "ours" and instead settles for "mine" when it comes to the messiah

special shout out to dave bautista before i move on. just cause. his rabban doesnt get enough love. he really sells that balance of ruthless power but also incompetency compared to his brother so well. can you guys tell i REALLY like this cast

WE ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE GURNEY PLAYING THE BALISET WE FUCKING WIN Y'ALL

the paul/gurney reunion being the last shred of the old paul. how he gets so happy "i recognized your footsteps, old man" shoot me in the fucking brain stem it would HURT LESS

a bit off topic and it happened earlier (sorry my thoughts are so all over the place) but i like how they actually showed the process of how the water of life is made. it was actually exactly like how i imagined it when i read the books so thats neat !!

anyway. back to the horrors.

i already talked so much about feyd's presence so just another small note. that scene in sietch tabr. he is a MONSTER and i am EATING IT UP

i cant even begin to explain. how much it fucked me up. when paul took the water of life. i knew thats where we were going. i knew it was unavoidable. and yet still. when chani bent over him and screamed at everyone for making him follow this prophecy. when she was forced to shed tears to save his life. when she got him back only to realize she lost him and he wasnt the person she loved anymore. it broke me

chani's utter hatred for the prophecy and what paul is becoming added to it so much. i know some people are unhappy with how much shes been changed from the books but i think its elevated her character and all these scenes so much. and oh my god does zendaya DELIVER when the spotlight is on her. i never doubted her for a moment but all those changes to chani really allowed to let her shine. thats that euphoria acting coming out baby !!!!

SPEAKING OF GOOD ACTING

TIMOTHEE

FUCKING

CHALAMET

listen i hate the fact that he gets cast in everything these days as much as everyone but hes such a talented actor and i cant deny this anymore. the water of life scene really sold it for me.

he was such a perfect paul already in the first movie but this was the moment it really came out. the way he wakes up so calm and collected. lifeless. monotone. theres nothing theres literally nothing

paul atreides the boy who became duke far too young is dead usul who was the lover of chani is dead muad'dib the fedaykin fighter is dead only the kwisatz haderach remains and thats what the prophecy was always leading us to and yet the moment it happens its so haunting

like i cannot say this enough. that complete switch is so sudden but so subtle at the same time. its still paul technically but hes so different

what makes dune's weird concepts so easy to take in once you get into the book is all that internal monologue that really leads you through these complex concepts slowly. and yet in a few shots and a few lines of dialogue timothee chalamet somehow manages to express the idea of "i just learned the secrets of the fucking universe and im about to start a holy war" ???? HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THIS???? HOW ARE YOU THIS TALENTED???? OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! IT WAS A FEW LOOKS A FEW MOVENTS JUST THE RIGHT TONE OF VOICE AND THATS HIM!!! THATS HIM BABY!!!! THATS THE KWISATZ HADERACH AND THE UNIVERSE IS FUCKED !!!!!!!!!

also. anya taylor joy alia. we only had you for a split second but i cannot wait for you. im sure youre going to completely slay the third movie. give us our beloved tragic meow meow. alia is my fave character so i will be JUDGING HEAVILY. she better bring her a-game istg

when paul storms the war council and just completely takes control of the room so easily. thats the bene gesserit conditioning giving him his pedestal and he is making the most of it. he knows exactly what the fuck hes doing. and once more oh my goddddd all that shouting all that emotion and yet a complete lack of it. timothee spare a crumb of talent for the rest of us

also the way in that scene gurney is hesitant about it all until paul proclaims himself the duke of arrakis. and suddenly gurney has house atreides again and he doesnt care what chani does anymore. hes a follower to paul just as everyone else in that room. nothing changes. fuck me man i cant do this anymore

have i mentioned yet im so excited for chani in the next movie. her arc is so interesting. children of dune is defo not happening with the way chani has been set up so i doubt we'll see leto ii and ghanima but. lets hope we still get all the cool stuff wit alia at least. and maybe chani can be the one who leads the charge against her

okay i need to really fucking. get along with it im dragging this post on im so sorry this movie is eating my brain alive

chani still wearing blue during the final fight. im not saying more than that i might cry if i think about it too much

THAT. FINAL. FIGHT. OH MY GODDD OH MY GOD

IT ALL CAME TOGETHER SO SO WELL

THE WORMS

THE SENSE OF SCALE

THE FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY

THE MUSIC HOLY FUCK THE MUSIC HANS ZIMMER YOU OUTDO YOURSELF EVERY TIME

THE SOUND

EVERYTHING FLOWING TOGETHER SO WELL

the way the fremen fight for their messiah but still fly the atreides banner. the way paul leads them as their messiah and as a "fremen" but always proclaims himself duke of house atreides first. oh lorddd im unwell

every time paul menacingly emerged from fog/sand/smoke my life was extended by like 10 years thank u denis

gurney killing rabban with as much ease as he did cleared my skin and watered my crops <3

the way the baron was literally dying and still crawling towards the throne.......... the way at the same time feyd ignored him completely and looked towards the doors reveling in the fight ahead..... if that doesnt tell u everything you need to know about house harkonnen idk what will yall

i also love how no one intervenes as paul walks in and kills the baron. not even feyd. feyd looks like he was a little TOO into it as paul killed him tbh. feyd u little freak. austin butler you talented talented man. im unwell

i AM sad we didnt get to see baby alia stab him but ah well. we got a bunch of other weird dune shit so ill let this one slide. the psychic toddler may be too much even for denis and everything he did give us. we'll always have our 1984 alia <3

OHOHOHOHOHOHOH. OH. HERE WE GO

HERE WE GO YALL

THE SCENE IVE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE READING THE BOOK

THE SCENE THEY SHOWED BITS OF IN THE TRAILER AND THE SCENE IVE BEEN NON STOP YEARNING FOR SINCE!!!

THE DUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god oh my god oh my goddddd where do i even start

okay so. the way theres no music. no fancy cuts no slow mo no over the top effects. its just the slashing of the blades and those BEAUTIFUL shadowed shots with the setting sun in the background. this really is the sun setting on the peaceful universe. just pain and suffering ahead marked with the blood spilled from the two who were meant to produce the messiah but who both got thrown off this path by the greed and selfishness of their forefathers. guys im normal about paul and feyd. definitely. i definitely have very normal thoughts about how they are foils and yet two sides of the same coin. yes guys

paul making the emperor kiss his ring is already such an insane fucking scene and it translated to the screen so well. amazing performances all around

i didnt talk much about florence pugh's irulan but she really didnt have much time to shine. im excited to see where she goes next and i definitely think shes a great fit but i need to see more of her to really be able to say more

i will say this. the way chani, irulan and jessica are the only ones who dont kneel for paul. the three most important women in his life who give him his power, everything he has. jessica made him and she made him the messiah. chani opened her life up to him, helped him become and in turn control the fremen, and she shed her tears for him and fulfilled her role in the prophecy against her wishes. irulan is his path to the throne, his key to being emperor. and none of them bow before him because why would they bow before a power they are responsible for, a power they own, a power they gave?

but for chani its different ofc. she also refuses to bow because she despises everything paul stands for.

oh my god i could say so much about the last scene being chani. not paul reveling in his victory. paul leaves for his next bloodshed and chani is left behind crying for the person she loves who she knows is gone. crying for her people, again enslaved. crying those same tears that brought the messiah back into this world.

theres a lot to be said about the role of gender in dune and how it hangs over every facet of this world but thats a whole separate analysis post to be had so ill just throw it down here in this little point

another thing chani does very well in the movies is she really makes paul's villainy explicitly clear. SO many people read dune and completely misunderstand it and walk away from it concluding its a "white savior narrative" and nothing more which. yes!! yes it is!!!! but thats not a good thing!!!! its never stated to be a good thing!!!!

this movie is not gonna let you misunderstand the message of the story no matter how blind you try to be to it. paul is not a good guy. hes never been the good guy. hes the protagonist, but hes not the hero. and chani allows that to translate from book to movie very well. have i mentioned yet i love movie chani

chani fills in the holes left behind by the narration and internal monologues of the book and, bonus points, she holds the people who dont understand what dune is about by the hand and tells them explicitly "PAUL IS A BAD GUY!!! DONT IDOLIZE PAUL!!!! DONT WALK AWAY FROM DUNE THINKING ITS PRAISING PAUL'S ACTIONS!!!"

i think thats pretty much all i had to say. i might reblog with additions as they hit me but yeah i. i enjoyed the movie. so so much. i think i might watch it again sometime soon while its still in cinemas.

sorry for being unhinged hope u enjoyed my rants. kiss kiss night night <3

[hyuckswoman]

“as i said before, i’m going to send an email later on in the day with the groups. before anyone asks yes i assigned them but you can switch if you want to. this class is made of pairs so as long as you’re in a pair i don’t care who you’re with. just make sure to update me with the new list” your professor says as you pack your things to leave

“do you hope we’ll be together? cause i hope we will it would be super funny” you hear jisung say right behind you. this man will not leave you alone it seems “oh you’re still ignoring me? you’re lucky i’ve got things to do cause i would’ve followed you for your whole trip back home” he says getting ready to leave you alone

“that’s called stalking weirdo” you hear a voice say. you turn around just to see mark. not very surprising as you were supposed to meet with him to hangout “she likes it, don’t worry” jisung replies before leaving “man this guy’s so weird” you hear your friend whisper (more to himself than you) “you don’t say”

“hallelujah i am NOT with jisung in my group this is bliss. i want to thank the lord, my family and friends for getting me here. i am so proud to be here today besides you. this moment is so much bigger than me.” nothing could begin to describe the amount of joy you felt when you opened your email and saw that your name was nowhere near jisung’s. even mark was tense, he had his fingers and toes crossed for you. when you saw that your partner was this really nice (you assumed, you barely have any friends so you didn’t talk to her)

“do you feel relieved?” mark asked finally letting his fingers and toes un cross “fuck yea i do, i literally can avoid jisung for the rest of this semester this is what i dreamt of my whole life dude” you take your phone to text your partner seeing that she had already texted you. “no fucking way” was all you could utter

10. no fucking way

previous chapter masterlist next chapter

notes: i moved to seoul lmao and it’s just so fucking weird?? like i arrived yesterday at like 10 am and i lowkey (highkey) want to go back home. idk i just know that i’ll have a hard time here and knowing that the next time i see my family is in months makes me sad lmao. plus it’s hard bc everyone is like omg you must be so excited n stuff and im like noooo i want to go back homeeeeee. plus i have to take classes that are harder so even academically wise im gonna struggle. but anyway im done complaining! i know this is someone’s dream probably so i should be more grateful but it’s a bit hard rn ngl lmao

taglist: @kgyam4 @sunghoonsgfreal @injunnie-lemon @nctrawberries @222low @multifandomania @joyzluvr @starwonb1n @222brainrot @sinsgaybutthatsokay @defzcl @lostinneocity @junviadinho @mrshwang-park @skepvids @wonbin-truther @jkslvsnella @jising-jisang-jisung @nanaxwi @polarisjisung @amrqxz @jirsungs @haechansbbg @dalsosapple @pookime @pinklemonade34 @lotties-readings @roseangelxfuma @jiiieun @inosfavgf @mystverse @alethea-moon @apple9i3 @nosungluv @dinonuguaegi @addyanm @kenmaswoman @okkkcausewhet @starfilledgaze

[klunkcat]

2024 Writing Roundup

tagged by @goodlucktai MWAH <3

Words Posted:

92,074

Additional Words Written:

the sheer magnitude of my google doc file count consisting of half buried wips and also rambles about my own dnd character would kill a small child

Fandoms:

TMNT

Trigun

its weird bc I was into like several things this year but also nothing stuck in my old brain soup so here's hoping 2025 makes me more deranged in new and exciting ways

Highest kudos + Highest Hit One-Shot:

I think forget me nots tbh for both lol

New Things I Tried:

collabing! if you somehow missed the gioverse collab fic thing w me and rem and tai and sol, well.

Fic I Spent The Most Time On:

absolutely the thing that buries me I have genuinely had this as a wip in my docs for over a year

Fic I Spent The Least Time On:

that is impossible to tell because I obsessed over all of them for different reasons I fear. maybe the 'kitchen counters' chapter in live to let you shine because I was in a fugue state of insanity

Favourite Thing I Wrote:

sun digs its heels was an ode to my poor baby kitty cat so I think that one

Favourite Thing(s) I Read:

BRO. SO MANY.

If I have to narrow it down...

we know im the number one taizi stan thats the loml but the gioverse truly pulled me into a creativity spiral i have not felt in forever so please read raised on little light immediately. only going up from here is the portal duo vibe forever along with can't help but become the sun. made me cry, worlds were changed.

I was not expecting my fave fic writer from years ago to come back with a sequel to underdark let alone this absolutely insanely good banger of a post rise movie fic along with the current follow up. the way mikey and leo are in this made me feel. agony? I think agony. anyways @plothooksinc 's stuff is really emotional and action packed and gets the characterizations right in such a specifically intense way.

take one for the team by @remedyturtles made me clinically unwell actually, and of course deathwish because sensei is actually i think the depressed millennial of all time. the way rem writes punches me straight through with an emotion I do not know how to name so there's that.

creation of a philosophers stone is so unique to me and about a dynamic with mikey and draxum that I never see really delved into? idk this is some incredible stuff by IgnisCanis

for something completely different, houses like tombs absolutely wrecked me. jjk content is always heartbreaking in this way that knocks me over but this one is so unique. damn.

I really need to remember to bookmark stuff more often because I definitely read way more than this and I have likely forgotten some life changing stuff but what can we do

Writing Goals for 2025:

write more tbh! I have a million google docs but it would be cool to finish more things

New Works:

hadestown au with tai will be real i s2g as will the daemon au, which I am keeping alive with my bare hands thanks. I am currently working on a sequel to running on low which I'm determined to finish sometime in the next few months i hope

With new trigun season coming out.... ambiguously soon... I'm sure I'll be overcome and crazed there, and will definitely finish the thing that buries me asap too

Tagging: 

tagging @byrdybyrd02 and @camsthisky if yall havent done one of these already! and of course anyone who wants to :)

[nereidprinc3ss]

so um, i wanted to rant in here for a little bit. so far, i have loved your dybmn series and this makes me think that the way you write your characters complexities is so good. i’m a little afraid of sharing this as everyone here seems to love dybmn spencer.

because god, spencer is so unfair and insufferable. reader is insecure but not as unbelievable unbearable as spencer, i understand if i might be misinterpreting this but it was easy to deduce he would be the one projecting his own insecurities on reader.

it annoys me how he won’t give her the opportunity to truly enjoy her body as she wants to sexually engage with him. he claims he wants her and cares for her pleasure but sometimes it doesn’t really look like it, it feels like some sort of manipulative traumatic tactic to actually hold her hostage even though he says he’s not.

it’s contradictory. just because everything went wrong with elle, which is WEIRD considering his whore phase doesn’t gives him the right to expect that much from reader. god, he’s a profiler. he might not be able to actually read minds but i’m pretty sure he’s perfectly capable of picking up clues with his IQ.

specially during her first fucking time with a man. how would he want her to tell him she loves him if she’s still soooooooo inexperienced? literally how? i feel bad for reading it this way but the andromeda chapter fucked me upppp. there were all sorts of theories going on my mind after i read it.

she knows nothing about relationships and is constantly put into the dangerous position of wanting to please him, he never forces her but it’s pretty obvious she TRIES. how is that not enough for him? and it’s not just the sex, he has always had her affection at his disposition (i say this according to the way she’s agreed to accept his invitations to events like the bar or film festivals, the way she’s constantly kissing him without being sexual and always asking for him).

nevertheless, i’m really excited to see how the series will be evolving as they go. every chapter comes up with something new and i love that we’re able to theorize about it. i just really hope we get a big apology from spencer because….

i’m keeping this one:

💐

thank u so much for taking the time to share ur thoughts!! I rlly appreciate it lovely!! and honestly i don’t think you’re alone in disliking dybmn spencer😭 he gets a lot of hate!!

me explaining stuff abt reid below👇 there are reasons for him being the way he is it’s not ALL inexcusable i promise!!

he is honestly probably more insecure than reader. one thing a lot of people have asked me is “how does it make sense for him to be so traumatized from what happened with elle and still have slept with a ton of women after” and honestly psychologically speaking it’s really not a reach that he would have done that! often when people are really insecure about themselves they seek reassurance and validation from other people, and sometimes they go about getting that validation through sex! i imagine since elle he’s never had a real committed romantic relationship and it’s all been very casual hookups, sometimes w the same people but never breaching into romance territory (don’t mention maeve idk if she’s canon or not in dybmn universe lol)

and I don’t think he’s holding her hostage, he just truly can’t imagine that she loves him back. and if you think about it he has every reason not to. his affection hasn’t been reciprocated or received well for most of his life (elle, his dad, his mom, jj (sorry for bringing up jeid)). even if you’re receiving all the input that someone likes you, if you hate yourself enough you’ll go to crazy lengths to not believe it.

i agree that it’s not super healthy, but he knows that! in my mind that’s actually why he told her on the phone that they didn’t feel the same way—he was trying to essentially be like hey girl you should know im pretty sure you don’t like me as much as i like you, and that’s fine, but if it makes you uncomfortable then we should talk about it because i don’t want you to feel like there are terms and conditions on our relationship that you didn’t understand.

also it might be helpful to realize that in some ways spencer really is not more experienced with romantic relationships than she is. he had a situationship with elle that never went anywhere and a bunch of hookups (and maybe maeve but even if that happened it was like a fake relationship lmao they were e dating and I don’t believe he really loved her but that’s a post for another day). but he doesn’t know how to exist in a healthy relationship with a partner who really cares for him any more than she does. most of dybmn is from readers perspective and she FEELS that he’s way more experienced but that experience is pretty much limited to sex which is obviously a big hang up for her so not surprising that she focuses on it so much and his experience seems so vast. but yeah romantically he is also a late bloomer and fairly stunted. he’s kinda figuring it all out for the first time just like she is!

so anyway that was me defending reid for four paragraphs!! but also maybe he’s just an asshole idk men suck why am I defending one of them

thank u again for giving me an excuse to talk abt this!!! ily

[tadpolesonalgae]

“You made more than a mistake, Az. Now we’re all hurting because you—”

i am so glad it's finally been said out loud. And that it was Mor who said it because immediately I understood how she was feeling about the entire situation, which made me feel better about her being an asshat at the end of the last chapter. It's strangely therapeutic. As soon as Mor tells Az to shut up though, I couldn't help but start crying a little bit because you really perfected how I thought Mor would've perceived reader going to Eris-

“She could have come to any of us. It’s more than we ever had, and yet she ignored it. Then tries to pretend it away? I’m not immune to that. If she can’t even be bothered to care about my pain why should I give a damn about hers?”

-this line in particular ruined me (not to be too personal n emotional lol), as someone who grew up in a not so great home i can really empathize with Mor here. It's not healthy behavior but I can say that there have been times where I've resented the people in my life who didn't accept help after i had been desperate for it for years. I'm more emotionally aware now and have unpacked those resentments (THANK GOD), but it was such a visceral response to reading that line because it mirrored unhealed me.

The next scene with madja was the perfect balance to mor and azriel's...argument? discussion? idk. You really guide us well through the world which is something I really admire in your writing, it flows very naturally and it always feels like a very natural progression of events. (its just something i've noticed i struggle with in my own wips lol).

compliments aside, it was also really sweet to see reader's peace in this chapter. Madja herself being a very peaceful motherly figure for reader who we know desperately needs that kind of care right now, her sisters are doing great right now but she needs someone who's not family to prove that they do care about her and it will not change over a few mistakes. Which is something that Cassian embodies very well later in the chapter too.

Bas.... sweet guy :( i hope reader gives him the truth. Imo, i think he deserves at least a bit of the truth when she is in a better place to give it (she fr could've said she was at a friend's in autumn. bas doesn't need to know WHO). But Bas held up his own boundaries very well with reader as well and I'm glad that we got a little of his feelings on the situation as well as reader acknowledging she hasn't been a great friend recently. (it's valid tho she's been goin THROUGH IT)

Tabbatha... you keep saying you don't know how to portray cassian but i personally think you do him such a great service ESPECIALLY after some instances of cass's behavior towards nesta's struggles in her own healing journey. I really feel like he actually cares about reader herself compared to rhys who cared about feyre and her only. He makes an effort to get her to relax, which is something acomaf cass would've done and is the version of him i miss the most. And him calling reader out for keeping things to herself? I personally think she needs to be called out and take accountability for her own role in the healing process. He was the perfect person to push her in this scene.

The dinner scene also really resonated with me and my own childhood. As a kid growing up we NEVER ate dinner together, so reader's apprehension to going to dinner is so real, and Mor sitting across from her?

oh myyyy goodness, ik this chapter just came out but im already rereading hehehe im so excited for the next one

-🤠

If I’m honest with you, I wanted Mor to tear into Az a little more than she did? For her to fairly obviously and kind of viciously defend reader but I felt it would be weird for her to go that far, considering Mor is supposed to be feeling very betrayed and hurt by reader? I did have fun with writing Mor telling Az to shut up though 🫣 I even nearly italicised it 🫢😳

‘The next scene with madja was the perfect balance to mor and azriel's...argument? discussion?’

Oh I really liked writing the Madja scene!! I mean, kind of scary obviously, but I enjoy her character and it’s so nice getting to write someone being kind to reader? 😭 Particularly since a fair amount of scenes in cbmthy aren’t particularly lighthearted/high-spirited? I’m hoping to continue dropping scenes with Madja in here and there since it would be weird if reader’s checkups suddenly stopped out of nowhere? Also so she has someone to keep an eye on her who might know a little more about what’s going on with her physically and mentally from experience and studying other people/medicine?

‘(its just something i've noticed i struggle with in my own wips lol).’

This might be totally unsolicited/unhelpful, but usually for me if a scene isn’t working or I’m struggling to write it, I’ll either change the perspective or switch to something else entirely? Like the scene just after reader’s entered the kitchen with Cassian I was struggling with, which is why there’s that snippet from Rhys’ pov to section them up? I don’t know if that’ll work for other people, but it’s something I fall back on quite regularly so it might help you too? 🫂🧡💛

‘but she needs someone who's not family to prove that they do care about her and it will not change over a few mistakes. Which is something that Cassian embodies very well later in the chapter too.’

I’m so glad you feel Cassian read that way!! 😭 I’m kind of of the mind that Nesta’s still protective over her sisters and so that might occasionally stretch across to Cassian at times? Also I just feel like Cassian genuinely cares about people in a more (this might sound strange) innocent way? Like more carefully and tenderly?

I would have loved to write Cassian and reader as being good friends but because Cassian’s friends with Feyre I think reader would still always feel in second place and unfortunately it might hinder her more than help 😭

‘Tabbatha... you keep saying you don't know how to portray cassian but i personally think you do him such a great service’

I’m literally refusing to respond to this because I’m so embarrassed and flustered from the compliment 😶‍🌫️

‘As a kid growing up we NEVER ate dinner together, so reader's apprehension to going to dinner is so real, and Mor sitting across from her?’

Yes! And especially after she’s done something that so obviously puts her in a vulnerable position too? Now they all know that she was in a place like that I can’t imagine reader will feel particularly comfortable over dinner 😭

As for Mor, I think I’m actually going to be writing this scene tonight, so I’ll be interested to see what happens? (Because honestly I don’t 100% know how it’s going to go either 😭🫣)

‘oh myyyy goodness, ik this chapter just came out but im already rereading hehehe im so excited for the next one’

Babes oh my gosh I was struggling to start chapter 18 so did a change 🫢🫣

I had so much fun writing the opening scene to the next part and I’ll be so excited to hear some thoughts on it—if you or anyone has any thoughts on it, of course 🧡💛

[z0mbride]

ALSO I have to rant about a proselytizing nurse at work today

TO CLARIFY THIS CONVERSATION STARTED BECAUSE we were talking about knitting and crochet and I said one of my favorite memories as a kid was getting a handmade hat every year from the old ladies at church and he asked why I didn’t go to church anymore and wouldn’t accept my answer that emotionally, church has always been the equivalent for me of a book club or scrabble. Like yeah I’d love to go and I’d love to work on this together but im not emotionally invested in anything other than intellectual bonding and social connection.

But what really frustrates me is like people NOT getting it and refusing to even try but they want me to get them and I need to be just like them but they won’t even acknowledge my feelings on something.

Like this nurse was 45 and hounding me about why I didn’t go to church in front of a bunch of other staff, insistent that I must have a deeper meaning than just being indifferent to it, and it made EVERYONE uncomfortable. He has had this issue before too. And im trying to be nice and being like “yknow it’s really not due to anything other than. I’m like not worried about it man”

And it just blows my mind how that response infuriates people trying to convert you even more than a reason of hatred could. Like no, I don’t have a problem with it actually. I just really don’t care. I have no interest right now in finding out if there’s a larger being. I’m just not even worried about it. I’m spiritual in my own way but as of right now, it’s not revolved around a greater being and im perfectly fine with that.

And it’s not that im disinterested in religion, like i love to study it and talk about it and learn from different perspectives, but right now I am currently so unattached from the idea of even CARING if there’s a greater being or an afterlife. I was like yeah tbh I think that Jesus, regardless of whether or not he was real or a messiah, is a great role model when you analyze him. I really admire what he did in the book, props to him! I can see why people follow in his lead.

And he asked me if I would read the gospels with him and I was like yknow what I actually would love to talk about the philosophy with you and he’s like “no like I mean you should pray before and read a chapter every day and open your heart to God” and it was just so weird to me because I feel like he’s not getting it.

I’ve done it before (and to put it how I did to another staff member: “I tried calling but nobody ever answers, I swear”), it just doesn’t happen for me! And it’s not that I don’t believe in anything, in all honesty it makes sense to me that there’s something bigger, but I just am not worried about it, and this man could not process the thought that I am just simply unbothered. If it happens it happens.

I was talking about it to my fiance and I think that tbh this non-attachment to like reveling over this idea actually makes me a better person than if me (only myself personally) was dedicated to a single faith. I’m really empathetic with people of every faith and will talk about any religious text and am a lot more well-versed in a variety of faiths than most people think, and so being unbiased about it (other than I find abrahamic adjacent humor more funny because it’s applicable to the culture I live in) kind of has shaped me to be who I am.

Like I mean yeah probably there is some greater being but like so???? And not in a pessimistic way. I’m just okay about it.im okay with there being one and with there not being one but unless it became a compelling issue in my life, im not out here pursuing greater answers right now. Like I have acknowledged this fact but also acknowledged that im not concerned with learning more about it rn. If it reveals itself to me then okay, but you’re not understanding my “if it happens it happens” or “im living my life like water” approach by trying to force it down my throat. Like just go with the flow man ❤️

idk I guess my insanely bland view on it really irked this man because he was convinced he was going to convert me. Like yeah I will earnestly try what you said but I wish you weren’t so like freaky and pushy about it because I guarantee that if I wasn’t interested in this stuff like I was, you would’ve scared me even further away. If I am convinced by this process, then that’s all the better to me and im sure it will enrich my life in one way or another, but also stop being weird to people. Ultimately I think it’s just a difference in values. I’m not concerned about my afterlife because and not out of a greater worry like bills or anything, I just never have been. I’ve always been more concerned about being a well rounded and compassionate person with a commitment to serving other people and frankly in a way I think that would honestly make me more aligned with a by-the-Gospel person than someone stressing about making it to heaven. Obviously that’s not including the bits of terrorism used in the Bible, but you get what I mean. I think by the book Jesus would get me more than hyper-religious people insisting something is wrong with me. LIKE WHY DO YOU CARE! Why am *I* the one trying to go help a dying old man and *you* are the one trying to get me to listen to your opinion!!!! What happened to what would Jesus do!!!

[1010ninetynine]

there's no single point. it's a mess. I'm not quite sorry.

I read Haikei, Seken-sama, the story of a trans man, and now I feel wrecked emotionally. I'm going to talk about it on tumblr dot com because no one else will hear this. well, it's not like the abyss of social media responds all the time. most of my moots like watching men kiss so idk if this even smacks for em. i mean there's one man doing the kissing? eventually? we don't even see it.

It's based on the author's experience living his life. The thought terrifies me to no end.

With this lead up you might think people die in this manga. No, no one does. No violence either. Definitely not as scarring as Banana fish, arguably.

Let me talk to you. Woman to algorithm.

Sorry if it's triggering.

The very first chapter features a kid with short hair putting on a school uniform, checking the skirt length, putting on chapstick, looking in the mirror and describing a creature in a skirt. They rush to school. Perfume is forced onto them. They try to wash it off. It's not coming off. She's accepted she's late, she walks at an even pace. She's accepted that despite everything she's a woman. And seeing the fate of an ugly girl, being treated as something to ignore and mock, she knows that she must be normal. It's better to be normal.

I say this without a shred of irony - Rino Tachibana feels like an alternate version of me. I mean, he ends up transitioning to be a male, and he seems like he gets laid more than I ever will. but that's boring talk.

the point is that I, like most people I imagine, hate and love the thought of being normal. of people not looking at me like im a weirdo. of being constrained by everyone's rules. they carve their way into my heart and thus engrave themselves into my soul. i want to be seen as a masculine figure but that's just not possible as a woman without being weird. i aim for the next best thing and it's not all that great. I've settled for being seen as a weirdo.

But Rino wanted to be a man. His name becomes Kanesho at the end of the manga.

She also loved Hanako, and knew Hanako wouldn't love her. She didn't conform to gender roles from an early age.

The truth is this is something that gays are known for, being unable to conform to society's expectations. there's people who argue that transition is a way to escape sexism/homophobia to an extent and I want to argue with those people that no, there are gnc gay men and women who just exist. I want to tell them that obviously no one would transition just for homophobia when I know so many who transitioned and ended up being gay because of it.

That's not consistent with the reality of the situation. If you're interested in women, and you prefer masculine activities, of course you'd want to be a guy. I know i've wanted my boobs gone as a teenager, hell, even now they bother me but I fucking ignore it. It's only natural, especially in a conservative country like Japan. I can't just like...fucking deny that. I can't deny that in countries like Iran, that might be your only option as a gay person if you want to, I dunno, fucking LIVE.

So yeah. It's definitely possible that a lot of trans people transition out of sexism/homophobia.

And that literally, in text, what is being described (not that Japan would kill her for liking girls if she didn't transition). Rino wants to be a guy to play soccer with the other boys, she doesn't like makeup and other feminine things, and doesn't like her feminine frame. Rino wants to be a guy because that's the only way she'd have a chance with Hanako.

Rino then tries to find someone for her crush so Hanako wouldn't be with anyone, only to get the wrong guy. She ends up dating him as a way to continue being with Hanako. She then breaks up with him because she knows she's not being honest + because she's masculine the guy's getting called gay for dating her and she feels like she's done something wrong.

I won't ascribe good or bad to Rino/Kanesho. I will say that what led to her living an honest life where he didn't have to suppress his desires was becoming more masculine (wearing a suit to graduation, and accepting that they kicked him out for it, transitioning medically and eventually getting a hysterectomy so he can call himself a Real Man).

I'm not saying this to blame Kanesho for his decisions, again I'm not sure what's right or not in these situations. I think they made him happy and in any case, he's not hurting a soul.

It just feels...it feels so fucking tragic is what it is. Rino would have never wanted to transition if her parents just let her be masculine. If she wasn't told that as a woman, liking other woman was wrong. And the truth is, this will fucking affect his life. He will not live as long, he's more at risk for osteoporosis, and several other health risks, all of this mentioned in manga btw. And he's accepted it because he's so happy living like this.

And how could he not? People don't judge him when he expresses interest in masculine activities, for dating girls, he's free to be himself. He just had to render himself infertile and at risk for numerous medical conditions, pay a hefty fee, and accept a reduced lifespan.

I don't misgender people who are real. I understand how fucking miserable it can be, and dysphoria's difficult to deal with. So, I use preferred pronouns and I generally try to avoid making people dysphoric. Rino/Kanesho Tachibana is not real, so I'm being honest about how I see her/him. I'm truly sorry if this bothers you - but I won't change that.

I too have looked in the mirror and hated what was there. I know what it's like to hate yourself so thoroughly transition seems like the only solution. And truth be told, I only didn't because I realized that if I continued T for long enough, a hysterectomy would be like...medically necessary. Vaginal atrophy would happen and I'd have to self lubricate. All of which, beyond my means personally.

what's my point? i don't have one really. haikei seiken sama was incredible.

[kamiversee]

AAA okay thoughts, why do I feel like there's so much HINTS dropped in this chapter but my smooth brain isn't picking up on much?? well ill just let other theorists pull it out for me :D maybe it'll show to me in a dream tonight or something

Geto is a WHOLE menace but idk who he's even rooting for anymore, as you said he has been on the fence for this whole thing but he betted for us and Choso but also made the situation chaotic for Gojo, it's weird but he did say it will be a win-win no matter what (idk what that means hopefully it's not a win-win for Gojo as well) but I mean he did kinda make it better?? Reader wouldn't be able to tell some truth to Choso because she would hate to hurt him. Maybe Sugu deserves a pat on the head, that's it

Also Gojo is so hot like i know he's being a bit of a pervert this chapter but GOD his neediness, gotta get some of that lanky D- 🧍‍♀️ anyways as much as i love him, i cannot deal with him still lying to us. I can't believe he's been pining for THREE WHOLE YEARS 🗣️ stop being a coward gojo look what uve done

I JUST realized you meant a motorcycle for Yuki cause I was thinking like JUST A BIKE LMFAO and then i realized that one episode where Yuki appeared for the first time and it all made so much sense to me now

This is genuinely the calm before the storm because the reader is still SOMEHOW on the fence about Gojo and Choso so im kinda scared what will happen once she meets Gojo to burn the journal now that she's looking to make it official with Choso (I don't wanna hurt Choso anymore pls his poor heart :()

Appreciation for my favourite author because this chapter was a masterpiece like the previous chapters! I love how there's still tension in the air even if it SEEMS resolved, I love feeling on edge like something will break the seemingly almost perfect happy ending.

Also pls do not be like a mappa animator, rest when you need to 🙏🙏🙏 Burnout is NOT fun and ignore the anons who wanna rush you, there's not a lot of authors who pump out chapter after chapter every single day and YOU are a blessing. The real ones will always wait, we know how life gets :D so pls eat, drink, sleep well, and feel the amazing summer sun coming.

Slight yap ><

1. The hints dropped have actually been pretty mild recently ^.^

2. See? Someone gets that Suguru was looking out for both the reader & Gojo, either way he’d have a way of explaining himself for bringing up Sukuna 🤷‍♀️

3. Hey he wasn’t pining for three years perse, just talking about the reader >< Maybe we’ll get more lore on that another day tho…

4. HELP I MEANT MOTORCYCLE YES

5. I love how everyone’s still tense even tho nothing crazy is about to happen fr 😅

6. IM TRYING NOT TO BE A MAPPA EMPLOYEE BUT I GOT THE DRUGS & SOME PPL ARE ADDICTS APPARENTLY😭🙏

Anywho, ty for the appreciation ^.^ I’ll make sure to take care of myself dw!! <33

[mandalhoerian]

ayup it’s the person that sent those vera things like a week ago ?? yk the one that made a fool of themself by rambling about ur oc ! anyways i reread it bc ofc i did and. idk. it’s such an amazing fic like genuinely and i felt a need to express it. like outside of how well-thought vera is and how interesting her dynamics with marvin + leon are (and claire ofc) and just. the pacing and story progression. it’s all so well done. and i’m sure someone has told u this in ur ao3 comments but the way ur reinterpreting canon a lil and having vera shake things up is so fun and genuinely interesting which is why i went back and reread it all. it feels like there’s a lot i kinda missed the first time round with the nuances of vera’s character which was. very fun to go back around and see again. hope ur doing well <3

HI OMG WELCOME BACK IM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU

(you aren't a fool it's my inspiration and motivation juice YOU TAKE THAT BACK🔪)

first of all you are A CHAD. The fic is 100K words oh god I can't imagine -- im happy it was more enjoyable the second time around at least 😭😭😭😭 It's amazing to hear that despite the fat word count, you think the pacing and progression is going well!

Unrelated tidbit but I really didn't know how to introduce Vera before starting the fic and was debating on starting from pre-RE2R in the summer of 1998, spend five chapters and so with Vera assisting Jill in her investigation and unravel things from there. But at the end I was like "literally nobody would read that" and thought what best technique is there by starting right in the middle of action and chaos? And the rest I winged it.

That had to mean I had to go through EVERYTHING about her life and how she got to that point by peppering the events throughout the plot as Leon and her story also progressed alongside it, and I couldn't gloss over anything, so it just expanded and expanded and expanded and I'm sure got boring as hell at places since she hides a bunch of shit from the others and good god do they have to be integrated to the plot of re2r AND UGHHHHHHHH. Thank you for telling me I havent messed up LMAOOOOOOO

About the canon. I have a bone to pick with some of the game and the story, I don't like how they went about a couple of things. This is me trying to lay the groundwork to fix them and everything by tweaking .

For example Leon pulling the "i have to talk to the chief first" bs and saying "Idk what happened it happened to fast" to ada like he was trying to make excuses like a child to his parent really irked me, especially in the original re2 he bent over backwards to get ben out of the cell so he could come along with them. (dont talk to me about how a law-abiding rookie he's supposed to be. that could have been done better. leon simply isn't a person to leave someone like that, and he was hearing about chef irons the writing on that could have been better) And the way Claire and Leon barely interacted when they are the core of re2 together was just not it. The lack of Sherry and Leon together was also weird when Sherry is a big part of why he was taken by the government and stayed, and how Sherry blatantly says he saved her in RE6. (I know they just completely wiped the slate clean off Sherry and Leon with RE4R backstory by just saying Leon just didnt have a choice but like. yeah) and also Ada. God Ada "(to the woman she wants to discreetly capture. since she's A SPY) We're here for the g-virus and i will now proceed to jump in front of the bullets" & "Where's Leon when I need him (has treated him as a nuisance the whole way)" Wong. Im sure there are a lot more things but i cant think of them rn but I am annoyed with Things

SORRY I JUST WENT OFF ON A TANGENT. But like. Having Vera involved and having her existence be a reason on changing things around is so much fun. I could just expand on child experimentation and the truth of the orphanage through her, it was always something wildly bothering me that they kept that plot so subtle in Claire's story. Birkins (or maybe just William. we'll never know) were using children in G-virus experiments WHY DIDNT THEY TALK ABOUT THAT MORE DUDE? That's why canon divergence makes things so much more interesting because it's not just transcribing the game and inserting an OC along the way, it's changing things and making new things up, keeping things fresh

GOD I TALKED SO MUCH SORRY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!!!!!!

[touchastar]

well. the case ive been a part of in regards to my trauma is uhh. finally over. feels weird. its been going on since 2019. idk how to feel. he plead guilty.

ironically even though the case was about me, i was barely a part of it. i didnt go and show up in court either. idk. probably for the best. every time i think about it too much i get dizzy and blurry. oh well. i dont feel much about its conclusion at all. i dont know what i should be feeling.

i guess its because hes been out of my life for so long and its been over for so long and has been repressed. like, idk. a restraining order isnt much to me, since we havent seen each other since i was a kid and he doesnt know where i live anymore.

there is, i guess, no way to realistically conclude the case and this chapter of my life in a way that will satisfy me and make things better. the only thing i want from all this is to be fixed and get my life back. it wont happen so... ! lol i guess.

apparently my statement was "moving". i dont really remember what i wrote.

i wish i could feel catharsis. or uncover the memories so i can work through them and recover. or anything, really, other than an emptiness. in the end, the damage has been done. and itll never be undone. no matter what the court does.

its kindof awkward rn bec my boyfriend is sitting next to me while i write this and i think i might cry from the sheer hopelessness of it all and how im broken and shit and i really dont want to cry and be comforted or anything.

[mbat]

i keep remembering a doctor who fic i was gonna write a few months ago but idk if ill ever actually get around to it so im just gonna talk about it real quick

the conception came from me thinking about 10s run, as usual. 10 is kinda the best doctor and thats not even a secret, but im biased for... a few reasons lol

but i was thinking about the end of his run, after he no longer had any of his constant companions. especially the mars episode. i was thinking about him playing god, and how much i loved it. but it didnt get to last long. and i know it would never last long, because its doctor who.

doctor who being this episodic long-running show is a blessing and a curse. and them insisting that the doctor always be good and smart and stuff is also a blessing and a curse.

but anyway, i wanted to lean into the playing god thing.

and funny enough, around this time, i had a dream that had the doctor in it, and the dream was coherent enough to transform it into the plot of the first 'episode' (chapter) of the fic.

i wanted to make the fic limited, as in, it was only going to have 10 or less chapters. each chapter was basically going to be an episode, seemingly contained, but obviously with an overall plot going on that maybe wasnt so obvious at first.

the first chapter is set at a birthday party. why the doctor is there i dont actually remember because i did not write it down in my notes, but the point is that the doctor is there. btw in this the doctor is a woman because its my fanfic and thats obviously a thing that can happen in canon. the doctor like JUST regenerated btw.

at this party, something is off. the birthday girl, by the way theyre all adults here he isnt just at some random kids party, is acting weird, at least, according to everyone else at the party. they all keep saying something is weird with her, but no one does anything about it. after the doctor has done some poking around, the birthday girls mom comes up to her and accuses her of having something to do with why her daughter isnt right, since the doctor is being just as suspicious in this womans eyes

the mom is so stressed, however, that she has to leave, so she isnt there long lol

anyway the doctor figures out that the girl was replaced with a changeling type thing, and when the real girl is found again, shes like 'wtf why is the only person who bothered to find me this absolute stranger?' so when she finds out that the doctor is someone who can travel anywhere anytime, she runs off with her.

outwardly, this girl is very chill and seemingly happy and silly. but over the course of the fic, where episode after episode they run into these situations where the bad guys have a point (but are going about it all wrong,) it shows how much she was hiding within, and how much she was full of resentment and was ready to be cruel because the world had been cruel to her.

in her final chapter, she gets the chance to play god of sorts. an alien possesses her because its drawn to her emotions because honestly its doctor who and shit like that just happens, and it gives her powers that let her take her feelings out on others while the alien saps her of her life like a parasite. she uses this power to trap the doctor, because the doctor is the only one around and has been a voice of reason opposed to her irrational (but understandable) feelings, and shes sick of it, sick of everything.

the doctor has to fight her own companion, and save her at the same time, and save herself from the weird nightmare-ish place that this all takes place in.

because of the whole, yknow, life force sucking thing, the companion is completely exhausted and needs to rest after. these two, if they were sane and normal, would talk about what happened and maybe talk out whats wrong, but they... dont.

the doctor simply says that she will take this character anywhere, anywhere she wants at all, said in a way that says 'lets try going somewhere nice and relaxing and hope it works. i hope it can help you'

the companion, however, simply says she wants to go home. she doesnt say it, but she thinks its time she stops running away from what hurt her, and probably go just get therapy. the doctor does not deny her, and takes her home.

as shes exiting the tardis for the last time, the both of them say sorry to eachother in that sortve rushed simultanenous thing. yknow what?im just gonna exact quote from my notes

"“ill take you anywhere you want, anywhere at all.” the doctor said.

“home. i think its time i finally just... go home.” the companion replied, barely above a whisper.

“of course.”

(time skip to when theyre back at her home)

“im sorry-” they both said simultaneously, looking at eachother for the final time.

“you deserve better.” the doctor entered the TARDIS, and began to close the door behind her. But it didnt close all the way.

The companions hand was holding it open just a crack as she said “you do too.” and let it go. (the fucked up part is that the doctor does try to have better… by playing god.)"

(dont mind the scattered capitalization and stuff, again this is just notes and not a written fic)

so yeah after this the doctor is fucked up, of course, and a mixture of what just happened, and all the stuff that happened before with meeting people who had good points but were going about it all wrong, and honestly just the doctors entire fucked up existence, she kiiinda breaks a little, just for now.

the next place she goes, she goes alone. i actually did not write any notes about this part somehow lol. the point is wherever she ends up, she ends up playing god, taking out her suffering on the poor mfs that she ended up with, but still similar to the mars water episode where she was doing what she thought would be a good thing even though it debatably wasnt, again i didnt write down any details about this part so its up in the air

probably the most controversial part of the fic because i know its a trope that people seem to hate, but i wanted it to end with the doctor becoming human. i personally think the 'powerful character becomes something else less powerful at the end for whatever reasons' trope walks a fine line and can be done wrong and can be kinda annoying but idk i mean

the doctor loves humanity. this is canon. the doctor cant seem to get enough of humanity. the doctor has been through so much, has gone everywhere and seen everything, and has loved so much and lost so much. but the doctor always loved humans.

and after a life like that, and after everything that happened, its basically like retirement lol. living this long, exciting life, and settling down somewhere you always wanted to be, and getting to live the rest of your days in peace (well, as peaceful as the next like 50 or so years of being human could be. 50 or so because the doctor is usually played by someone in their 30s yknow how it is)

and yeah idk lol i thought it would be fun. also all the places theyd go would be in the future and alien planets and stuff because its sci fi and im not a history person very much, especially not someone who wants to try to write historical stuff and then get it horribly wrong because all i did was read the wiki page or something LOL plus i could be way more creative coming up with stuff that doesnt actually exist and didnt happen yknow

so thats the fic idea i had that i probably maybe wont write but i still wish i could, i just keep... not writing or drawing anything lately (which SUCKS btw) and i figured if i get around to anything it probably wont be this sadly

[pasta-and-hedgehogs]

Feeling despised currently and im not too sure why like mates went out without me I had an interview thats fine I just felt like I was missing out and then I had a terrible day yes I ranted and vented and talked about myself because I just wanted to be heard I think that might have been irrational one thing that has always not upset me but has irritated me when people relate to your experiences with their own and I knoe tyat everyone is different and it can how people communicate I understand that but sometimes I want a ph im sorry you're having to go through that I had a similair experience not jjst oh yea same this is happening its something im just going to have to let go of because its probably not going to change It just caused me to get overwhelmed a tad and then when we met up I just felt out of the loop like they were going to get the same piercing and I was half considering because of fomo I will be there for it but probs not get it but I just felt so not included and I feel like ive done something and they just havent told me because thats usually what happens we just let it go. Idk it just feels shitty like That might just be me feeling overly sensitive because thats what I usually do and part of that might be the recent entanglement ive been in like I dont think that this is just a fling and id be ok even if it is this is the realest thing ive had and he likes me back in one way or annother is that love or am I a service and hes just a loyal customer at this point id take it I havent thought of Owen in a long while (relatively and comparitively to before) I finally feel like im on the other side of that ugly chapter of my life im now in turmoil educationally and familially instead but thats a different story honestly Ive been considering the dark thoughts lately and part of me almlst feels like im already dead like none of this is real and im in a weird and twisted limbo or hell like showing up to the wrong shop for an interview already late and then getting bird shit on me I was almost in tears the only thing that makes me feel real and human again is him I finally understand kissing I think I like it with him I honestly have never felt this way before I dont want to go down the same old path of obsession and burn out but I dont get anxiety it just feels right I worry that im close to messing it up constantly I hope I can exist well enough for it to not screw up. Also dropped out of uni basically well they chose to get rid because I failed 🙂‍↕️

[mayssa-m]

i done figured out what I wanna do in my life and what my life will look like, it might look like I got no plans but I really know what I’m doing. I nose-dived several times education-wise n that’s really odd of me cus I was known to be the biggest nerd in my class n that reputation completely faded away n I can’t really blame myself as I got distractions of another life with a completely different lane n it’s hard to balance between, my mom just had a talk w me and this time I’ll do it not for myself but my mom n that other life I wanna live cus i always promised myself no matter what I’ll never give up on school n the results by my attitude towards it is the perfect route for someone removing school from his/her life, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. It’s gonna be harder for me than others whether it’s people only being focused on school n doing really good or someone else in the field I’l distracted by doing really good in it to, in my case the harder part is gonna be balancing in order to succeed in both, it’s gonna be really challenging but I know it’ll pay off 2 years from here n theres nothing to worry about as I talk everyday about how fast time goes so those two hears will go in a blink of an eye n ill look back n be like damn. I’m ready for this 2 year journey as at the end of them I’ll get double rewarded, two different types of rewards from each side, I learned a lot from the previous mistakes I’ve made and this time I just wanna do really well and bounce back just imagine me being a nerd again my family being really proud of me along with myself n doing also well in my other plan like bro what could be any better than that n then 2 years from now I’d get my results n graduate imagine just that is enough as my life is completely shifting I’m leaving my home country n gonna open this new chapter of my life that’s what Ive been dreaming of for soo long just living by myself in another country yes my family is gonna be away but what ive always wanted since idk what age was me living in my own appartment in a different country i also planned w my cousin we’d have a mansion each or split one and have expensive cars (part2 ill take about it later) n then I’d visit my parents and give them gifts and money n them just being genuinely happy with who they’ve raised and finally all their hard work paying off cuz im telling you it wasn’t easy for my parents especially now we’re prolly at our worst financially n whats giving me hope is not only that they always end up figuring it out but that im the oldest meaning id be the first to show them that what theyve done was worth it (+my second plan on the side) one of my goals also is getting a scholarship so that i wont have to make them pay much and something i also thought of was them not even paying for me i want by the age of 18 to be able to pay for college, car, clothes, food, airplane tickets, etc just anything for myself n i know ill do it BRO i wanna make them so happy you wont even understand n they dont even know the millionth of how grateful i am of having them or just anything they do, i see it trust i just dont show ut in case i look ungrateful to them, its not that i dont hug kiss n say i love you that i dont mean to say it its just all in my head i keep rushing myself in my head to be even harder on myself n makes things go faster, they’ll never ever even expect the quarter of what im about to do

I wanna come back n read this whenever i feel like i cant do it nomore cus i know there will be a lot of downs, school really isnt easy when youre aiming to be the best at it (to aim high)

my parents always taught me to aim higher n i still got this habit where i overestimate what i can do n dont end up being consistent so i end up being disappointed

n i know it might sound weird n unusual but something thatll keep you going youre not getting there by being in your room 24/7 just doing school stuff, you need to go out, do activities, go out with your friends or family members, spend time with family, just basically going out n not always working in the same environment n you will enjoy it better than being all by yourself studying in the same environment, its really all about balance and organization, n thats what ill do n first step would be to start sleeping earlier and wake up early in order to have better quality of sleep for a better performance the next day and a longer day in order to be able to do as much as possible thats all i gotta do for now

28.08.2024 it’ll really all be done by like june-july 2026 it’s crazy

[feathers-in-the-night]

Ok maybe that last breakdown was a pms thing. Idk - I don't think I'd feel super satisfied with the suggested solution either. I'm working on finishing the story and I'm also a little calmer now (sorry for the dramatics, Im literally that stereotypical woman who has 5 breakdowns a day when I pms).

For now, I'll upload as normal while I finish the story, I think. Then once the story is done, I'll upload at a quicker pace, but I probably won't dump the whole thing in a single day. I still need to read through and edit every chapter, after all.

To be honest, this semester has been extremely stressful, particularly the exam period, and I think I'm still coming down from that, and my anxiety about doing well on exams transfered to the fic once exams were over, since it was the closets thing to a school project in my life? I always have a few weeks were I'm low key anxious after exams are over and I keep thinking there's some deadline I'm missing, and instead of that anxiety going away because I'm on break, it just made me feel anxious and bad about my fic 🤕

So for now I'm just playing some Stardew valley and giving myself some emotional distance from this weird reaction I was having. I'll get back to writing when I feel like it, but I don't know if it'll be before or after my trip to Italy.

I'm sorry for being kind of all over the place! I think I reached a head with this exam anxiety Sunday and now I'm feeling a little more normal because I realized I was feeling so weird because my exam anxiety had seeped into my fic uploading.

[sushispider1212]

Uhhhh okay im really scared to ask this because idk anxiety always feeling like im bothering/annoying or being weird to people, but about ur fic… how about an AU of an AU?

like…Yaldy is still turned human yada yada yada… but he actually replaces Sojiro as Akira’s legal guardian, (but the confidant for coffee dad is there still) BUT is still in school (college maybe? Uni?) for some actual comedy of them being forced to live a stressful human’s life and whatnot, and they gradually get closer and closer (its yaldy warming up to akira, while akira is on the sides like “this is my dad Shigeru i met him yesterday :3)

but like…im an actual sucker for yaldy and akira so…thoughts? its been in my mind for a while even before i read ur fic a while ago and i was too scared to share my ideas lol

That is a fucking fantastic idea.

I can picture it now, Shigeru, plotting how to fix the timeline while studying birds or something and Akira sitting here like “hmmm wonder if these mice are going to work.” Morgana being given a side eye around the doves even though Shigeru knows full well he is entirely sapient.

If you ever do anything with this definitely let me know! Hell, after I’m done with this chapter I might write a little bit for this! I’m so happy you like my writing enough to make an AU of it!

And if you decide not to make it an AU of my AU, I’d read it anyway because that just sounds like a very very fun idea!